The 5am Show hosted by Fidget & Little Man is something I’m forced to participate in regularly. Too regularly, actually. Most mornings, in reality. So before I dive in and describe The 5am Show, I’m going to provide some perspective by comparing it to a very difficult period in my life. So here goes: The 5am Show is worse than the time a few years ago when I had to sit through every episode of Sex in the City. All 94 episodes delivered back-to-back in prettily packaged DVD collections! Boy that was painful. Oh, and just to rub salt in the wound, two full length movies to boot.

But at least the pain of that show was during the evenings after work when I was slumped on the settee sliding into a disinterested daze, and thinking to myself, it’s a good job I love you, as I glanced at my other half through heavily lidded eyes to see her oblivious to my listlessness because she was totally immersed in the whole Sex in the City phenomenon. That was a truly bad time for me. It was a dark period in my life, where melting her DVD collection was something I considered doing on a regular basis. But because of that period, I learnt one absolute truth: if anyone were to ask me how I know I love my other half, I would immediately think of our Sex in the City marathon, because I know that it was my love for her that kept me slumped on that settee and not running for the hills.

The 5am Show is worse. So. Much. Worse.

The 5am Show Hosted by Fidget and Little Man

The 5am Show is hosted by Fidget & Little Man, the two little stars of our blog. Fidget is five and Little Man two, and they lack any form of early morning decorum. They are truly ignorant to the needs of those around them. By ‘those’ I mean mum and dad. By ‘needs’ I mean sleep, wonderful, but all too brief, sleep. Put them to bed at 6.30pm and they are up at 5am. Put them to bed at 7.30 and they are up at 5am. Put them to bed at 8.30 and they are still up at 5am. It could be 9 or 9.30pm and they would still … Oh, you get what I mean. But it’s not so much the early rising that gets me, because if they woke and played quietly that would be fine. That I could deal with. No. When they wake at 5am they wake everyone.

The 5am Show Hosted by Fidget and Little Man

Fidget will come into the room and drag me from my bed, like the cajoling host of some mad game show dragging an unsuspecting and reticent audience member onto the stage. Not mummy, oh no! It’s daddy. Every time it’s “Daddy wake up! Daddy, get up, it’s morning! Come on, daddy!” And Little Man chimes in with his tuppenny’s worth with a resounding chorus of “Daddy, daddy, daddy!” ad infinitum, like the host’s psychotic sidekick, whilst dragging on my arm or head.

Being woken by Fidget & Little Man is like having the hangover from hell and turning on the TV to be greeted by Mr Tumble on loop with the volume stuck on max … friggin’ annoying! From 5am onward we are on loop until the day starts proper and we head off to work and school; or, if it’s the weekend, my mind and soul just gives up and shuts down until Monday.

So what makes up The 5am Show? Well it’s comprised of a few different segments: fashion, food, and leisure mainly. The fashion segment is all about Fidget. She will want to decide which princess dress she is wearing for the next five minutes before she changes her mind for the umpteenth time in the first hour before she must just change again. Little Man will want to run naked, fighting his morning nappy change, then play with his toy cars and use the full length of my body as a race track. Then through my sleep haze will come the food segment, which they co-host. It normally commences with deafening screams for breakfast. Screams so deafening that they have even had our neighbours racing for the cereals.

The 5am Show Hosted by Fidget and Little Man

So what can I say about breakfast? Breakfast normally sees me dragging myself round the kitchen with a child attached to each leg. It’s a time of indecision and altered choices for them, and consternation for me. Have I given them the right amount of milk with their cereal? Is it in their chosen bowl? Have they got the right spoon? Which cereal: Weetabix, Rice Krispies, or Corn Flakes? Or combinations: One Weetabix with Rice Krispies, or Weetabix with Corn Flakes, or all three in the same bowl! Then when I have the cereal or combination of cereal mixed with the right amount of milk in the bowl of their choice, they eat two mouthfuls and decide they aren’t hungry.

The leisure segment normally starts with the constant argument over who has the Kindle Fire. But then I’m the bad guy because I take it away from both of them. And it’s only six o’clock! I could go on and on, but I’m getting tired reliving it.

So in summary, The 5am Show is a toddler production; our daily dose of early morning saga. I’m sure you have yours, but this one is ours. The 5am Show is a live production that gets a reaction from us every morning. And as with any live production things can go wrong and curve balls can be thrown. Which usually means it’s a production that’s somewhere out on the raggedy edge where they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique and parents are tested to the limit. But would I have it any other way? Of course I bloody well would! Do you think I’m crazy? (That was a rhetorical question.)

Thanks for reading. Now pass me a pillow.



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