That is the question …

So I’m watching an episode of A League of Their Own the other night (series 11; episode 4, to be precise), and there was a very funny segment about bromances.

Daddy Peeing: To Sit or Not to Sit

Picture courtesy of The British Comedy Guide.

During this segment James Cordon mentioned that the Barcelona forward, Luis Suarez had said that he sits down to pee, much to the hilarity of the panel and audience. There also appeared to be a smattering of incredulity from some, which got me thinking. But before I go into detail, here’s the alleged quote made by Suarez. I have no idea of the conversational context that brought this to light, but hey:

“This is an issue of hygiene for me. I do not want to squirt on the ground, so I pee sitting down – when I pee I am a clean man.”

Well that’s nice. But that got me thinking about everything we have gone through and done in the toilet department whilst raising our daughter Fidget, who will be five at the end of March. Hence the title of this post: Daddy Peeing: To Sit or Not to Sit … that is the question. A question that was answered rather quickly due to toddler interaction.

Daddy Peeing: To Sit or Not to Sit

So at the risk of receiving the same hilarity and disbelief afforded Suarez, it is at this point that I have to make a confession: I, too, pee sitting down. Well, from time to time. In all honesty, it’s most of the time when I’m at home, but never in a public men’s urinal. That would just be weird and would probably get me arrested. But it was an involuntary decision based on necessity.

But the necessity for me sitting to pee has nothing to do with hygiene. I’m a firm believer that regardless of whether I am sitting or standing, I pee hygienically. I’ve got a pretty good aim and everything. I would even suggest that I am at least sniper level; I could pee through the eye of a needle at five metres! So why do I pee sitting down? For me it became a matter of course and necessity because of Fidget. The things we do for or because of our kids!

When Fidget reached the stage of potty training, she wouldn’t sit on the potty. Like a little shadow, she would follow mum or me into the toilet and watch us pee, whilst asking lots of tedious questions, obviously. There’s no privacy with toddlers. The potty was a no-go; it was like she was saying, you don’t use the potty; why should I? She wanted the big toilet. So we bought a little seat that fits a standard toilet and bob’s your uncle, we had potty training underway. But prior to this, my little shadow would follow me and when I stood and peed … well, the curiosity and confusion etched on her face because I was standing was plain to see. She would watch whilst I stood there, her brow creased, frowning. It was quite unnerving at first. I mean, who likes to be watched whilst they pee? But that wasn’t the worst thing. The first time she reached out her little hand to try and touch the stream really freaked me out. I nearly lost my aim and my mind. I was in mid flow and moving around the bowl in a frantic two-step, dad-dance kind of way to try and get away from her. It was then that I made the determined decision to sit when I pee. Well at least whilst Fidget was in the vicinity. And it worked. Fidget saw me and mummy sitting to pee and she followed suit, in a monkey-see-monkey-do kind of way. Sitting to pee quickly became the norm in our house. As far as Fidget was concerned everyone sat to pee. And there were no more freaky nearly lose it moments for me. Sitting to pee saved my dignity and helped Fidget learn how to use the toilet. All was good in toilet land.

Daddy Peeing: To Sit or Not to Sit

Well now that Fidget is almost five, you’d think I could go back to the macho world of stand-up peeing, but no. I now have Little Man in tow everywhere I go. Little Man, who will be two this week, is as curious about the toilet as Fidget ever was. Although still in nappies and nowhere near ready for potty training, he too follows everything I do. And so do his hands. I’m not a fan of the two-step dad dance around the porcelain dancefloor scenario, so, for now, sitting is still in vogue. Once we have said goodbye to nappies and sorted Little Man out with the accepted male technique of using the toilet, I’ll probably go back to standing full time. Once we have sorted out his stand-up peeing routine that is. I’m really not looking forward to that one. I’m sure his sniper training will take a while. Although, in closing, and possibly at the expense of my masculinity, I must say, sitting is quite a comfy way to pee.

It has made me wonder, though, how many other dads have felt the need to adopt this stance? If you’ll excuse the pun.

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